Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

   ‎"Username or Password Incorrect" Couldn't you just tell me which one?

   I guess, I just don't get the whole, shaved off and drawn on eyebrow thingee women got going on.

   Telling a kid they're tired is like telling a drunk person they're drunk. Anger and denial follows.

   I'm a good boyfriend..I always talk to her, play with her, touch her buttons...I definitely turn her on... I love you Xbox.

   They say that every person who enters your life makes a difference in it, my question for you is are you gonna be a scar or a beauty mark?

   I won a trip to China now am stuck here waiting to win a trip back home

   Santa loves the rich kids more.

   Fine don't text me back then. It's not like I'm obsessively checking my phone or anything.

   thinks that if you see someone healthy parking in a handicapped zone, when they exit their car, you should be able to make an honest person out of them!

   Snow Tip: The other people out shoveling are called "neighbors." They are like Facebook friends who live nearby.

   I'm on a 30 day diet. So far I've lost 15 days.

   Twitter: Its just like being stranded on a "lonely" island and writing a small, meaningless message to be put in a bottle and thrown out to sea hoping somebody will write you back.

   Friends don't let friends wear speedos. Ever. Case closed.

   Don't be humble. You're not that great...

   Premature Ejaculation ads make car rides awkward.....

   I fell off a 50ft ladder yesterday... luckily I was on the bottom step.

   I've always wondered what would happen if I deleted my recycle bin...

   If fanny packs were actually awesome, do you realize how easier life would be?

   On my first day of school my parents dropped me off at the wrong nursery. There I was... surrounded by trees and bushes.