Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Breaking weather news! Winter storm Juno finally landed and was quickly deflated as it passed over New England.

   I hope NBC replaces Brian Williams with Ron Burgandy.

   And as I opened the box it dawned on me. It wasn't the hamburger that needed help, it was me...

   Ladies, if you are wondering if the guy in line behind you is staring at your ass, ask yourself one question, "Do I have an ass?" If your answer is yes, then yes.

   Roadside sobriety tests are getting ridiculous. Last night I had to fold a fitted sheet

   You can't fix stupid.... You can however,,, interview it on the news when you need a good eyewitness.

   My dog is entertained chasing his tail and I'm bored with a device that gives me access to infinite knowledge...

   I Was just involved in a 'Canadian standoff....' (we were each holding the door open, insisting the other go first)

   One thing awesome about my childhood was being able to play with a 'toy' gun without the authorities getting involved.

   According to my Nike fitness app, I watched TV for 6 miles this week.

   Keep reaching for the stars but please get a better deodorant.

   was looking for a date on Craigs list only to find out that "420 friendly" did not stand for maximum weight limit.

   It dosen't mtetar in waht oredr the lettres in a wrod are. The olny imtorpant thnig is taht the frist and lsat leettr be in the rhgit palce. The rset can be a ttoal mses and you can stlil raed it wihtout peoblrm.

   Why hasn't Sears made a riding vacuum cleaner?

   had many people walk into her life and made it great. She has had many people walk out of her life and made it f*cking fantastic!!!

   Drinking, smoking and fatty foods are taking too long to kill me. I had to fall in love again to speed-up the process.

   A recent study conducted by UCLA just discovered that doing just about anything increases your risk of death.

   I love you more today than yesterday. Yesterday, you really got on my nerves.

   Call me immature ONE more time, and you'll no longer be invited to help me build a kick-butt couch cushion fort.

   When I die, I want my Coroner's report to say.. death by mischief