Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   bit another finger trying to eat way too many french fries at once

   streaming Netflix's through a Blackberry tandem modem. Please don't call. The good part is coming up!!

   I just skimmed through 50cent tweet page. I can't believe the guy's only been shot nine times.

   I just saw a car that had The Club locked onto the steering wheel, a car phone, a beaded seat cushion, and a fuzzy steering wheel cover. The only logical explanation for this is that this car is a time machine.

   I'm always hearing stories of people posting "Inappropriate" pics on Facebook....Why are none of YOU showing me nude pics my friends????

   You know your life is boring when happy hour is when the kids take a nap.

   ‎"A man on a date wonders if he'll get lucky. The woman already knows."

   I will always forgive you, I only want you to realize what you have done wrong.

   hates walking into nasty smelling bathrooms knowing after you leave the next guy in line always thinks you did it... as you fight the urge to notify him it was like that when you got there

   Cooking Tip: Raw toast is an ideal bread substitute

   concerned your choice in alcoholic beverages is now based on calorie count rather than intoxication efficiency

   The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content

   Am I the only one that thinks Gobbler's Knob sounds like a dirty movie title?

   If we live more than 200 miles apart, I will always mark "not attending" on every invite you send me unless I get at least a month's notice. Please keep this in mind when you send out your invites.

   Lucky = A man who is a woman's 1st love. Luckier = A woman who is a man's last love.

   Plagiarism saves time.

   I'm at the wedding, you guys just can't see me because I've got one of those weird hats on.

   Well darn , looks like William and Kate are not registered at Walmart . Looks like I won't be able to get them that 48 pack of Orville Redenbacher

   Just took this personality test, and it said. "Describe yourself in one word." I answered, "Not good at following instructions."

   So glad we finally got Bin Laden! It's taken so long to kill him that iPhone was about to come out with an app for that!