Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What pisses you off more? The fact that I don't need you in my life...or that you can't have me in yours??

   Today needs an eject button.

   You can use most any measure when you're speaking of success. You can measure it in fancy home, expensive car or dress. But the measure of your real success is one you can not spend. Its the way your kids describe you when they're talking to a friend.

   I believe every single word you say. It's when you put them together to form a sentence that I think it's bullsh!t.

   Do sheep get heavy in the rain??

   If drinking is interfering with your work, you're probably a heavy drinker. If work is interfering with your drinking, you're probably an alcoholic.

   When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at flooring?

   My front door mat actually says "Come back with a warrant."

   nearly 500 million eggs recalled, I'd hate to be the guy who has to put them back in the chickens.

   In the end people always turn into the person they promised never to be"

   Life isn't about the number of breaths we take, but the moments that take our breath away...like choking.

   It just dawned on me that I am STILL not over the fact that Kevin Arnold and Winnie Cooper didn't end up together on The Wonder Years.

   You know the economy is getting bad when the ice cream truck has a sign on it that says we now accept foodstamps, Visa and Mastercard.

   Sometimes I wish I could go back to the days when I was six and my biggest problem was what kind of dress to put on my Barbie's or whether or not I had enough Lego's to build a fort

   Just Unfriended a Facebook Friend on their Birthday… that takes TRUE GRIT!

   I am on hold. My call is important to them.

   I hate when I have a dream about fighting someone and then waking up and being pissed at them for no good reason

   You had me at Rice Krispies Treats

   Facebook blocked at work. 2012 has come much earlier than anticipated.

   People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you had enough money, you could have a key made