Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just because a path is well traveled does not mean it is the right way.

   I really don't think baby steps is an effective way of getting somewhere. For one thing, they fall on their faces half the time.

   use to walk to school uphill both ways in waist high snow in sub below zero temps just like my dad.

   Just beheaded my neighbor's snowman and placed it on a stake on his front lawn.

   Impossible is just a fancy way of saying, "No on else has figured out a way to do this yet."

   Enjoy the little things in life, because one day, you'll look back and realize that they were actually big things.

   Stephen Hawking is British? Weird... I never noticed an accent.

   You know you're getting older when you start listening to AM talk radio.

   Do you remember Sit and Spin? No, not the toy... your early drinking days.

   Centers for Disease Control and Prevention posted a blog on their website on May 16 , 2011; concerning Zombie Apocalypse preparedness.... ummmmm is there something the Government not telling us ???

   Children are the gift that keeps on taking...

   had a very confident breakdown today. Wasn't nervous at all.

   When I drop my phone, I act like I've dropped a new born baby.

   If you're gonna blast music through your headphones so everyone can hear, do the rest of us a favor and ask for requests

   Stupid mistakes are made by others. I only make unavoidable errors

   Show me a man who calls himself a vegan and I'll show you a man who's trying to sleep with a vegan!

   Coffee spelled backwards is "eeffoc". Just know that I don't give eeffoc until I've had my morning coffee.

   I've been wracking my brain trying to remember that movie where Joe Pesci plays a hot-tempered little tough guy.

   Things that will get you kicked off an United Airlines flight: 1) Wearing leggings 2) Having an United Airlines ticket

   Sit back, relax and enjoy the fight... -United pilot welcoming passenger