Fazzy Funny Status Messages

   This Coronavirus is putting me through Purell.

   Friend: Don't worry, there are plenty of fish in the sea.... Me: Yeah, that and crabs.

   Stay tuned, folks... it's getting close to my, "It's a New Year, It's A New Me" delusional time again.

   How in the world can I make wise life choices when I still use my fingers to add, sing the alphabet to see which letter comes next and think that BBQ potato chips are actually cooked on a BBQ?

   Divorce Log 2006: My ex had her credit card stolen, but I didn't report it. The person who stole it used it less than she did.

   I'm sick of people contradicting me when I insist that there IS such a thing as an emotional support lasagna.

   Hey, I ain't bragging, but pretty much every pot I've ever watched has boiled.

   Hooters is not closing per se. It's going strictly delivery. It's changing its name to "Knockers"...

   Who's the most popular guy at the nudist camp? The one carrying two pots of coffee and a dozen donuts.

   Virus or no virus, cruises hold no appeal for me. It's akin to a 5 star house arrest that's centered around overeating, which I can do quite well in the comfort of my own home.

   I'm saying this before the 12th day of Christmas even arrives. I'm keeping the 8 maids a milking and the 9 ladies dancing. That's it Everything else is going back to Walmart.

   "I am the way, the truth and the lasagna." - Cheeses of Nazareth

   Mother Nature gave man a set of balls solely to propagate the species. God gave man a set of balls solely for scratching.

   Which Thanksgiving Day parade doesn't have Jimmy Fallon hot-dogging all over the place? Asking for a frien ... me.

   Everyone's up in arms over Pepe LePew romancing a cat. Newsflash: Most men are skunks and we romance pu$$y. Same difference. And I can promise you that trait isn't learned from a cartoon.

   I'll tell you. White privilege didn't exist in the high school Phys. Ed. locker room when the bIack guys were around.

   I'm trying to figure out why you're mad at me for not wearing a mask. Does the one you're wearing not work?

   New Year's Resolution: Date more hot women. Amended: Date more. Amended: Get a date. Amended: Stop crying while taking cold showers.

   It finally dawned on me why I was bad at math. I noticed during school lunch that my sandwiches were only cut in half. The smart kids' sandwiches were cut into trapezoids and parallelograms.

   I once had a dog who was the best watchdog ever. Well, he WOULDA been if a vacuum cleaner broke into the house.