Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   thinks facebook needs a "who cares" button

   Does a midget using an iphone look like a regular person using an ipad?

   You have to speak to be heard, but sometimes you have to be silent to be appreciated.

   Men, if the Royal wedding has taught you one thing: Going bald doesn't matter as long as you own a Palace.

   Today, I posted my status on Facebook as "slightly hungover." My grandma commented on it with "liar, you were helping me clean last night."

   I hate when I find parking space and there's already a motorcycle parked in it.

   Instead of "single" as a marital status, they should put "independently owned and operated "

   I want to wear a "One in the Oven" shirt backwards... so the arrow points to my ass.

   Dear radio stations, instead of 40 minutes of commercial free music, how about 5 minutes of good music?

   If you can fold a fitted sheet, you're obviously a witch

   Ladies, I'd like to remind you that trying to play "hard to get" doesn't work when you're already "hard to want".

   I come from a small town whose population never changed. Each time a woman got pregnant, someone left town.

   Why is bra singular and panties plural?

   Here's a bumper sticker I'd like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child who's self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn't need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car.”

   People piss me off like the ones who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know where my watch is buddy, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the bathroom is?

   just wanted to tell the weekend that I love you and I will be back, I will not let the weekdays take me away from you.

   Facebook has become the girlfriend you no longer like but are scared to dump because you've invested so much time in the relationship.

   Common sense is so rare it should be classified as a super power

   Eating some food from last year.

   I hate when I get invited to weird events on Facebook. For the fifth time, I do not want to go to your cat's birthday party damnit. I told you my dog is getting married... Geesch~