Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My friend is single and middle-aged. I think she might be Catholic. Sorry, I mean cat-holic.

   told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.

   To all you folks out there that have no life and need this Eclipse to fulfill that void in your life? I heard if you moon the eclipse, you will become a smart ass like me and will become significant and with purpose!!

   By 11:59pm on 4/8/24, a lot of people are going to look ignorant. It will be those expecting to be raptured or everybody else.

   Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.

   Ha ha funny

   The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.

   sed my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair

   April 1

   Newsflash to all the haters out there trying to hate on me: I'm not going anywhere!

   NO! I didn't fall on the floor! I attacked it with my wicked ninja skills! Aren't you jealous?

   Now accepting applications for the following limited time opening on 5/14/23 for Single Mothers on Mothers Day: - 12pm-3pm Lunch Slot $300.99 - 4pm-7pm Dinner Slot $500.99 - 9pm-12pm Evening Drinks w/Nightcap Slot $800.69 Military discounts available

   What's on a wife's mind when lecturing her husband: whatever she's lecturing her husband about. What's on a husband's mind when his wife is lecturing him: the scores of the ballgame.

   Y'all don't use paper plates. I'd use a paper pot if I could. F them dishes

   Whenever I feel down, I remember I have a roll of Lifesavers and pineapple is next.

   On average, every person in the world has one testicle.

   Мило плюну в душу, нагло улыбнусь.

   In a thousand or so years, archaeologists are going to dig up tanning beds and think we cooked people as punishment.

   Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing

   Marriage tip: Every once in a while, call your wife by one of your ex-girlfriend's names. This will help her realize that she is not the only woman on the docket, and that you're a really good catch!