Funny Status Messages

   I went to the paint store to get thinner. It didn't work.

   Q. Can you name a fisherman's tool and a popular search engine? A. Netanyahu.

   A true friend is someone who knows how crazy you are and is still willing to be seen in public with you.

   If there's a 'z' in the middle of a last name, they're Italian. If there's a 'z' at the end of a last name, they're bean poppers.

   I am only the bigger person in an argument because I am fat, remember that

   If there is no sound in space, is a fart on earth louder than a supernova?

   So you guys all have matching white hoods and viagra subscriptions or what?

   I'm so country I dim my headlights for on coming street lights.

   When the China balloon was flying across the country, the Government should have used planes and jets to send it to the Seattle space needle

   Marriage tip: When your wife is getting angry at you, just put your finger on her lips and say, "shhhhh". She will then consider the consequences of her actions, and calm down. And then she'll go make you a sandwich.

   I'm so dumb, when the bartender said "drinks on the house," I got a ladder.

   Technically, all the money you ever spent on food has been flushed down the toilet.

   Will trade toilet paper for eggs.

   Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.

   Have you ever noticed that anyone driving slower than you is an idiot and anyone driving faster is a maniac?

   I don't mind drinking 1% milk as long as the other other 99% is some combination of vodka and Kahlua

   Officer: Do you know how fast you were going? Me: I kinda feel like that's your job.

   A moment of silence for all the friends I've lost on social media because of the stuff I post.

   I could never work at subway because I’d say, “I got your foot long right here,” no matter what the customer ordered

   When the moon hits your eye Like it’s 5:45, That’s November