Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Someone asked me how many lbs do I think I need to lose before I get thin. I told him, "the same number of brain cells you lost to become a complete imbecile."

   I hate when cashiers feel the need to check if my money is real. If I could counterfeit money, I wouldn't be at Dollar Tree.

   My friend is an anesthesiologist at a VA hospital. They are 4 anesthesiologists short of being full-staffed. And, thanks to him, they are under a hiring freeze. So, when your favorite veteran's quadruple bypass surgery gets canceled... oh well. Thank him.

   My wife told me that women are better at multitasking than men. So I asked her to sit down and be quiet. She couldn't do either.

   M*G* MAKE *MERICA GO AWAY Going viral all around the Internet 👍

   Hey. If owls are so smart, how come they don't say, 'whom'?

   Do Priests delivering Mass use their Altar ego ?

   Opening a gym that teaches power walking and door knocking. Gonna call it Jehova’s Fitness.

   Wish me luck guys, I am interviewing tomorrow for a new job at Old McDonald's Farm for the C-I-E-I-O position.

   Working in my DBT workbook that I got from my mental health coach has made me realize how much I truly struggle with my bipolar outburst.. I'm working on it! All I ever want is to be a better me. The work hasn't been easy but now I'm glad I can take a ste

   who decided to call it a “paternity test” instead of a “pop quiz?”

   Whenever I see someone buying a 4-pack of toilet paper for their household, I think to myself, "Jeeziz, what do they do, s#it just once a week?"

   As historic storms sweep across Red States and leave more than 30 dead, rest assured he's too busy golfing to give a s***.

   Men with flaccid equipment are really turned on by Elon Musk. They sit in their basement and fantasize about him. He is the cucks hero.

   Repupubes fought tooth and nail to stop people from handing out bottles of water while in line to vote, but now they are totally fine with a billionaire offering them money for votes?

   Flexibility is essential for mind stability

   The left can’t aim right.

   When everyone can see you're being a d!(k .... you're a cting like grey sweatpants

   There are scams all over the internet! Send me just $19.95 and I'll show you how to avoid them!

   AIRLINE...FAILED CASINOS... FAILED MARRIAGES... FAILED MORTGAGE... FAILED UNIVERSITY... FAILED VODKA... FAILED CHINA CONNECTION.... FAILED FOUR BANKRUPTCIES... Yeah, what a great business man lol