Funny Status Messages

   I'm working a double shift tomorrow at a restaurant lounge. Since it'll be Valentine's Day, I'm putting a fake engagement ring in every woman's drink who's there with a date.

   How has this economy affected my spending? Well.....Not saying I'm rich or anything.... But I can go to any Dollar Tree and buy like 5 items without having to check the price first.

   Don't rush into a relationship. Be friends first. Maybe they have hotter friends. Thank me later.

   If you put a carved pumpkin on your porch this early in the month just to watch it rot that's called, "premature ejackolantern."

   Bikers: Representing the 3rd guy from the left on the evolutionary chart throughout modern history.

   Back in my day they would cut cocaine with baby formula. Nowadays they cut baby formula with cocaine

   My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.

   Not that I expect 100% truth in advertising, but shouldn’t those women in the tampon commercials be wielding chainsaws, laying asphalt, or driving semi trucks and not laughing, swimming and dancing?

   Tip: There should be an observation deck at Walmart

   Cooking for 2 hours just to eat for 10 minutes is the biggest scam in the world.

   You'll hit every cone on the highway before I let you merge in front of me because you saw that sign 2 miles ago like I did.

   Kyle Rittebhouse: "I'm going to Texas A & M" Texas A & M: "No, you're not!" lol

   Someday when scientists discover the center of the universe, a lot of people are going to be disappointed to find out it isn't them.

   heartaches

   Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich

   I think I finally found a diet that's really working for me! That's called The Rsing Cost Of Food.

   there a dark web site for black market Q-Tips? These new ones suck.

   Does anyone else have the urge to crank a hog when they enter a theater room?

   I like the word lefticles because not only does it sound like, but is also spelled almost identical to my two favourite things to suck on every night.

   Imbeciles on the left have zero idea that this drop is necessary to lower inflation. It's short term.