Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Cocaine Bear seems kind of unbelievable. A bear that snorts coke would be a lot skinnier.

   A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat

   HIS VALENTINES ... For $5 you can either get your girl approximately 2 flowers from a florist OR you can get her an ENTIRE costco rotisserie chicken

   Why do they keep interrupting the commercials with a football game

   If you're alone on Valentine's Day it's okay as you can love yourself enough do something nice for yourself like go out and buy your own candy and flowers, and trust me you're totally worth it!! Especially tomorrow at 80% off.

   I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours

   I could blow up a balloon by myself (Haw! Haw!)

   All balloon rides are cancelled until further notice.

   generate ststus for my graphic design service on instagram

   Marking myself safe from getting pierced in the heart by the little chubby kid going around with bow and arrow.

   If you're single and ready to mingle after Valentine's day but not really sure where to meet someone, check out the candy clearance isle.

   Eggs are so expensive that I am eating steak, lobster, and caviar for breakfast now.

   Horses get farted on more than any other animal.

   Marriage tip: When your wife is sitting in her chair, scrolling through Tiktok, just ask her why the house has not been cleaned up yet and why she is sitting there, like a bum, doing nothing!

   A man and his wife went to Israel and decided to pick a boat to see the beauty of the river Jordan. When the man asked the boatman how much it will cost them, he said $500. The man shouted, "No wonder Jesus decided to walk on the sea."

   I just saved a bundle on my heating bill by switching my thermostat off.

   I Love it when my pets sigh, like whats ails you my little freeloader 😄

   My teacher told me "i think you have trouble comprehending words, so I said to her "i don't even know what that means"

   Marriage tip: Your wife values honesty. So if your wife asks you if her best friend is prettier than her, just say "yes". Your wife will value and appreciate your opinion, and she will love you more for it.

   Today I was asked to go out, by 20 girls... I was in the women's bathroom.