Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My friend Hugh enjoys puns about 80's music. That's what I like about Hugh.

   When the Lone Ranger needed cancer treatment, it was chemo, sob, eh ?

   Nothing brings more peace, when you stop giving a f*ck.

   Next week is my big High school GED reunion .

   How about taco Wednesday’s, no one has ever done that before.

   Do men still go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is ten to one, and they’re already looking for things they don’t need.

   My school taught square dancing in the 4th grade, because you never know when a hoedown will break out.

   Friend 1: I do yoga 5 days a week. Friend 2: I plan vegan meals a week in advance. Me: I eat cake over the sink, so I don’t get crumbs in my bed.

   In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant and filled with darkness.

   Her: You haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said. Him: That’s a weird way to start a conversation.

   Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, which is why I’m eating it again at 11:00am.

   One way to be hospitable, is to help visitors know when it’s time to leave.

   Tommy Lee Jones ~ always has a look on his face, like his son just told him that he wants to ride unicycles professionally.

   I just saved over 25 thousand dollars on a car battery because my car runs on gas.

   I’d like to help you out, which way did you come in?

   You don’t like being treated the way that you treat others? That must really suck.

   I’m busy right now, can I ignore you later?

   You’re the reason God created the middle finger.

   Beginning to see the need for censorship. Certain people are just too ignorant to be allowed to speak.

   Oops, my bad. Thought I was dealing with an adult.