Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I just had a call from a Charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people throughout the world. I told them to F off!! Anybody who fits into my clothes isn't starving!!

   busy creating an excuse for not coming into work tomorrow.

   Thinks everybody makes mistakes. Just ask ur mom and dad

   My boyfriend came home from work upset and asked me to console him, I hit him over the head with his XBox

   wonders why, if you send someone a fruit basket, you are thoughtful. If I mailed someone an orange and a banana, they'd wonder, "What the hell is wrong with that guy?"

   Two guys came knocking at my door once and said: "We want to talk to you about Jesus." I said: "Oh, no, what's he done now?"

   asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

   refuses to get his pizza from Pappa Johns anymore after finding out what he did to Mackenzie Phllips

   at the Video Music Awards on her mobile ...ihg32h9gj0fk0kfkkkkkkfmmnnn273fbf111... ...FOR F*** SAKE KANYE LET GO OF THE KEYBOARD!

   went to a baseball game yesterday with my new girlfriend. We played a game where I would kiss her on the strikes, and she would kiss me on the...

   If you don't like gay people... blame the str8 people...they're the ones who keep having gay babies.

   Thinks it's funny to watch people who drive Hummers, swerve to avoid potholes

   "the greatest thing about Facebook, is that you can quote something and totally make up the source." – George Washington

   just dropped skittles in the toilet and flushed....... it was like a 10 second Nascar race

   Tommorow I am going to finish every conversation with "ACCORDING TO THE PROPHECIES"

   Laugh…and the world laughs with you. Laugh hysterically, for no apparent reason, and they'll leave you alone.

   Hang on a sec, I'm about this close to getting the hi-score on Donkey Kong!!

   wants to know whats up with girls and big-ass sunglasses. You don't pollinate flowering plants.

   just got out of jury duty by prefacing every answer with... "according to the prophecy"

   the problem with being punctual is that there is rarely anyone there to appreciate it