Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why is it that a dog can smell a hamburger from a mile away but has to get within a 1/2 an inch to smell another dog's butthole?

   I take half a viagra every night before bed.. Keeps me from pissing on my slippers .

   I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.

   Ego and Superego go into a bar. The bartender says "Sorry boys, I need to see some ID."

   I met a comedian once. He was a stand-up guy.

   I'm wondering if Linus will spend all night in the pumpkin patch again this year.

   Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line.

   You know All my life I’ve wanted to learn to juggle. I just never had the balls to do it.

   2022 will go in the history books as the year they legalized insanity!

   Doctor:Congratulations it's a musician! Dad: goddammit, he'll be living at home till he's 50

   To everyone that signed my 7th grade yearbook. You will be happy to know I did in fact “stay cool”

   Thin pancakes give me the crepes

   No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.

   When the inventor of the drawing board messed things up what did he go back to?

   If anyone wants a list of my favourite Bugs Bunny quotes, I'll send them to you in a WhatsApp doc

   what do asians do when they have Erections? Vote

   For $5 I will write "yikes" under one of your ex's selfies.

   Why do Ziploc bags & trash bags come in a box? I guess the companies can't use bags

   So, where are the "Why does the military only get one day" people? I mean surely if its important and they care, surely theyd mention it in the last 3 months, right?

   Took some kids to Disneyland and overheard a 13 year old boy wondering if he may be pansexual since he loves skillets,” The movie "Idiocracy" had nothing on this woke society