Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo

   I pack underwear as if I plan to crap myself for 40 days and nights

   had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before

   Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?

   Neighbor kid just told me he let a girl “borrow” his hoodie. Should I tell him now or let him learn?

   You know it's going to be a crappy day when it starts with sneezing while brushing your teeth.

   One of the main differences between a nudist and streaker is speed.

   If you're running away from a pack of taxidermists, whatever you do, DO NOT play dead!

   Remember: You can't have a mid-life crisis if your entire life is a crisis.

   I honestly don't care what color the Mermaid is. It's all gonna smell like fish either way.

   Why is Martha’s Vineyard so upset about becoming enriched by diversity?

   Where can I buy a loaf of that jammin' bread that I always hear about in the song..."Tea, a drink with jammin' bread?"

   “Crocodiles are easy. They try to kill and eat you. People are harder. Sometimes they pretend to be your friend first.”

   I was just on the Weight-Watchers website and it asked me if I would accept cookies. Is that a trick question?

   Sometimes I wonder if things are getting worse or just more obvious.

   I choose what restaurants to go to, based on if they have Mr. Pibb

   When you think about it, Mariah Carey and Drew Carey don't even look like sister and brother.

   I'd like to be a nudist but we just don't have the weather for it

   Oops! I left the curtains open. Now my neighbors know what my junk looks like pressed up against the window with a flashlight aimed at it.

   The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?"