Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.

   “That’s herpes” -my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.

   he told me he likes it rough so I crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed

   In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.

   Labor Day started so we all could get unbeatable prices on mattresses.

   I'm going to spend Labor Day this year putting my liver to work.

   its been a few years that MTV got rid of "Jersey Shore." I guess we'll never know if they learn to walk upright.

   If you wear a mask when you're driving alone, there's no need for you to put a Biden sticker on your vehicle. We already know.

   Kids are fun, but I prefer playing with the package they came in.

   Without a doubt, the cashew is my favorite nut that sounds like a sneeze.

   Last night a guy told me, "Often, bearers of false light destroy what they profess to enlighten," and I said "Don't get wise with me!"

   I’d love to have a s*x change. Preferably from none to absolutely sh*tloads

   I’vr never met a closet EV driver

   Ladies, do you prefer a man who may be physically imperfect but loves you unconditionally? Or do you want a guy who's nothing more than a trophy that is perched atop your fireplace?

   Corn. The food that both enters and exits intact.

   What has red hair, big shoes and lives in a test tube? Bozo the Clone.

   My belly is like jelly. I cut one and it's smelly.

   Dating is like trying on shoes. You think you found a good fit, but it begins to hurt after a little while.

   I'm so happy college football is back. Where else can one enjoy such blatant one sidedness and win money on the outcome?

   I'm going to take my paycheck to the bank. It's too small to go there by itself.