Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's crazy how people get up at 5 am to workout. I don't even get up at 5 am to pee, I just stay there and suffer...

   Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up making love. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.

   My #1 home security system is a series of paintings on the wall with the eyes cut out.

   Yeah. It's OK for you to call my pets "Fur Babies" but if I call your kid a "Skin Dog" you get angry.

   Growing up is realizing that talking doesn't scare the fish and that Grandpa just wanted you to shut the hell up.

   Signed up to be an organ donor but they said I have to wait to donate until after I die.

   WalMart is giving away free school clothes to anyone that can outrun security

   My favorite part of the Olympics is when it's over.

   Science fact: a dog extracts more information from smelling a pile of excrement than a human does from reading the Daily Mail.

   I'm awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time.

   Last Reminder: It's St. Patrick's Day...take down your Christmas decorations.

   Guess what I did..I nicknamed my urethra, Franklin.

   If sleep is important, then why does school start so early?

   I'm Starting to think my job only wants me for my labor

   I just choked on a carrot and all I could think was "I bet a cupcake wouldn't have done this to me."

   Ivanka Trump announced she got the vaccine shot. This means, no matter what I believe, I have to get the shot too or else the Trump family will hate me.

   If your enemy insist on taking horse dewormer.....let them.

   For Halloween, I think I'm going to dress up as Dumbledore or some other kind of grand wizard.

   Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom.

   Remember WWE admitted everything was staged entertainment? I'm waiting for politicians to make the same announcement.