Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I had over 2,500 friends on my fb friends' list. I deleted every single one of those posing, airbrushed women who do nothing but clog up my newsfeed with the same ol' stuff. I now have zero friends.

   Just changed in my change jar Had $729!!!! oh wait it was $7.29

   I tickled someone behind closed doors... now my giant dong is gone.

   Do you guys want to take this a step further and be pen pals?

   If cars really exploded as easily as they do in movie's, I wouldn't have made it hope from the delivery room.

   went to the pharmacy to pick up some muscle relaxers..they were out so they substituted with bone relaxers..

   Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.

   So we don't know what a woman is but we know they get paid less than men.

   Quick question: can I breastfeed if I've had implants?

   If you’re not part of the government and you’re pro mandate you should change your name to Karen

   The Fires are God punishing California for voting for Kamala.

   got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit

   Question.. If you hit a person with an EV will you be charged for battery?

   Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.

   Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers. Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.

   Covid-19 basically destroyed the Corona beer brand...now it is going after an airline

   Without a doubt, the cashew is my favorite nut that sounds like a sneeze.

   You know what would would solve the whole Kaepernick issue? If only he was a better football player..

   Whenever someone asks "Is that a banana in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me"? Come prepared! Keep a banana lodged in the depths of your underwear, pull in out and say "It's just a banana. I'm never happy to see you"!

   being an adult is staring at medium screens all day to come home and stare at a little screen while a big screen is on in the background