Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I told my wife that a cheating website had been hacked and marriages would be in ruins because of it. I just caught her deleting browser history from LittleDebbie.com.

   ever have a large lunch and go up a cup size?

   Im not staying we you getting old grandma, but you should stand in that same place too long with the lurking vultures up above!

   you deserve more than a guy who wears t-shirts with "witty" sayings that he bought from jcpenney.

   "Twilight is upon me......and so might must fall, that is the way of things. The way of the force." -Yoda

   Only few words can touch her heart like "Baby, I would suck the fart out of your car seat."

   I casually pull out my solid gold asthma inhaler with the word 'PIMP' engraved on it. I suck at it hard yet it is you who feel breathless.

   Need help drafting a weed smoking NFL fantasy team. That way they won't miss any games due to suspensions...

   The fact that we have to buy trash bags just to throw those same bags in the trash is why I'm angry today...

   Heard there was a kidnapping at the school. Untill the teacher woke him up.

   According to Webster's dictionary, "Patriotism" is defined as loving a country. "Gay" is defined as one man loving another world leader who happens to be a man.

   I don't care about the shutdown affecting the parks and monuments. But I draw the line when it effect my beer.

   Ladies, if you can't handle me when I'm broke, you don't deserve me when I get my monthly check of $600.

   When you catch the Holy Ghost on the streets you are a crackhead

   Keep her wet between her thighs, To keep her dry beneath her eyes

   To this day I have always wondered why Curly never farted on Moes Face .....

   glad Alex Trebek's life isn't in *puts sunglasses on* jeopardy.. actually I really don't care.

   I don’t understand why they call that place Hooters. They ought to change their name to Hardees, because sometimes I have to wait twenty minutes before I can get up to pay the bill.

   ..... I turned my Back on the Back to the Future Day today. Where's my Hoverboard dammit?

   Does the "Baby On Board" sign help us decide which car not to hit ?