Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   ive started drinking raw milk.

   i can show my love to her everyday <3 valentines day is just another day :-)

   women stop complaining about wearing heels that hurt and man up!!

   Just let me be a Hot Mess for One Hot Minute 'til I can find a new Hot Played-Out Idiom.

   Making a new facebook will not get you more messages.

   I'm getting suspicious about my doctor, I think he's trying to turn me into MJ or Whitney on the slide......

   that's it broom I won't stand for this no longer...i dont want you no more...i can stand on my own two feet....just go I know you will sweep some one else off their feet again:(

   just thought of a good prank...if closterphobic friend passes out drunk & about to awaken slip a bag over their head 9with breathing holes) & watch the fun happen when they realize where they are

   dyslexic people are weird. they pray to a dog

   I still don't know why Microsoft put a talking paper clip in Microsoft Office instead of a talking ink pen they could call your "pen pal"

   I hope the below pays tens of thousands of dollars on healthcare since he thinks he's a big man, paying full price for his healthcare.

   I hate to tell you "I told you so" but... no, actually I'm gonna tell you that till the day I die!

   Facebook reels are mostly chunky broads stuffed into clothes like a sausage.

   I just let a stinky one rip and my wife said, "Jeeziz, you just took me to Funkytown."

   ничего особенного

   I just got back from a cannibal Thanksgiving get together. ..... I filled up on redhead again, didn't have room for Blonde tart .

   911 is useless,they dont even care that I cant find my remote!

   I got new deodorant yesterday... The instructions said remove top and push up bottom... My bum really hurts but everytime I fart the room smells awesome.

   @cpaman1981: Easter is on April 20th this year or as in the folks in Colorado and Washington call it, Sunday

   I never meant to pleasure myself in front of the cobras. The cobras were loving it.