Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Please donate to my gofundme to replace the laptop I threw across the room in anger after my last gofundme failed

   I wonder what they make the robots do on their websites to prove that they're not human.

   Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away

   Hey, Baby is your name Pfizer? Because you make my heart stop.

   Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.

   I gave "Jesus" a compliment once. He thanked me three days later. Jerk.

   New Years Day I will be 100, so New Years Eve I'm going to party like I'm 19 @ 99!

   If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.

   can we be funny again please

   It is disgusting that auto-flush toilets cannot tell the difference between a person who is peeing and a person who is crouching down to take a sip of water.

   Guys, when your wife starts a sentence with "when you get a chance", just go ahead and start putting your shoes on. She means now.

   I wonder what the part of my brain, that used to store telephone numbers, is doing nowadays.

   No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.

   Happy Drill Sergeant Day, otherwise known as MARCH FORTH!

   My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in

   If I ever die I want to be buried in my refrigerator in case I wake up and want pudding.

   Why bother drinking water? You're just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn't want you to know.

   My wife thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it's cause I'm afraid she might try to poison me someday.

   Where was that joke Al sharpton and his crews masks at? And who was they praying to? I'm positive it was the God everyone else believes in!

   This morning I spent at least half an hour trying to get wifes bra off... I will never try wearing that again.