Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When India travel, the short ball is always expected to be a factor. Not when they bowl, though. Not until today. #engvind#cricket

   why do blind people smile?

   Oh no, you're not going to try and cheer me up, are you?

   30 minutes till the Walking Dead!

   Shower together because everyone likes to having their back washed.Just remember where the wall is in case you drop the soap.

   I have the heart of a child. It's in a jar of formaldehyde and locked in my basement.

   If I hit my breaks hard, automatically let the hazard lights go off! - future car makers!!

   price of the most expensive premium gas on 4/16/2012 - California: $4.472 per gallon ************* price of the CHEAPEST gas (natural 95) in Europe: 1.6 EUR per liter = 3.785 EUR per gallon = $5.00 per gallon....... who should be complaining now?

   I didn't get any sleep! I'm so tired I could sleep with a horse... wait

   TGIF - Thank Goose It's Friday

   A cop came over and told me that my dog was chasing people on a bike....I told him, "Don't be ridiculous, my dog doesn't doesn't own a bike."

   So where am I supposed to put my rage when I’m driving?

   I just put (3) Bit-coins in the car wash and got a 30K wash. :(

   I don't know why people see a stutter as being a negative thing. I love people with stutters. It's like they're giving you a drum roll before they start talking.

   I went to the party store to buy a balloon and it was $3.25. When I was a kid that would’ve been a quarter at most. Then I realized… I guess that due to the cost of inflation

   It's so hot outside I attended a Virginia Neo-Nazi rally just to be next to something shady...

   Space, the final frontier for William Shatner who's 10-minute mission to seek out stranger new publicity for Jeff Bezoses Space Program. To boldly go where only a few million Tourist have gone before!

   Apparently there are some "Careless Whispers" about how George Michaels passed away. .... Still too soon?

   i had a dream this guy apologized for everything, and then I woke up and put bird seeds in front of his building

   I've heard Drug Addiction, Smoke Addiction, Alcohol Addiction, Gamble Addiction... but TECHNOLOGY Addiction, now that's new!