Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Free joke for rats: Pick up a cashew and pretend to use it as a phone.

   Saying "I fell in love with a dictator" is something I will never say in my life.

   If I have to explain to my husband WHY I am angry with him, then what's the point?

   420 - 0, what a great number.

   just passed a Liopleurodon on her way to Candy Mountain.

   A man has been admitted to hospital with HYPOTHERMIA AND FROSTBITES after he was left CHILLING at HOME for the whole day by his wife! A COLD CASE FILE has been opened!

   I have this condition where I can no longer do math in my head. It's called Fibromyalgebra.

   If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie

   The best part about being over 50 is discovering all the new regions of your body that can support hair life.

   I feel so stupid for cashing in my retirement account early. But then again, I always feel stupid using the Coinstar machine.

   Everything I know about the Kardashians I learned against my will.

   who's the jerk that switched my toilet paper with sand paper??? I won't be able to sit down for a month!!!

   "I am the greatest. Not only do I knock em out, I pick the round!"

   Yes, "facebooking" IS an action verb. Along with googling, tweeting and farmvillin'.

   why is Santa so jolly? Cause he knows where all the naughty girls live.

   My car was on E I put $20 in it now it's on E+

   I’m pretty sure if dogs could talk their most common phrase would be Are you going to eat that?

   If there is "like" button why can't facebook create "unlike" button if someone happens not to like your status.

   If a couple of rental property owners refuse to pay for maintenance, that's "the evil of two lessors."

   Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.