Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Mary had a little lamb last night. I had a big lamb. My fat ancestors are dead.

   Cinco de mayo is the celebration of Mexico kicking the repo mans(France) a$$ who they owed money to and winning! It's true look it up!

   the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth

   Sometimes when drunk I sleep in a ditch. Doesn’t make me love my bed any less. Actually makes me love it more. See? Cheating isn’t evil.

   RJ.. The tour de France is cool and everything but I think if I was to ever race in it I would definitely come in last not because of my racing abilities but because of my attention span in a beauti...oh wow is that a mom n pop flower shop on the top of t

   The worst part about reggae music is that when they aren’t singing about weed they are singing about how it’s okay to be poor.

   So when you spot violence, or bigotry, intolerance …. You described ‘arrogance’ - rich’s Power Addiction -’ and ‘poverty’ – the poor’s Fight for Survival - !

   I honestly believe the reason I get such a dark tan in the Summer is because I spent so many years working on a Suntan Oil Rig.

   Michael Douglas Has the Perfect Excuse... I have Nothing to say the Cat got My Tongue ..

   I called the Police on my neighbor, but they were on tour and all I could get a hold of was their manager.

   "Your Only Fools and Horses addiction is ruining my life," shouted my wife, "I want you out of this house right now!""Ok," I replied, "I'll fetch the suitcase from the van."

   I think that I shall never see a poem as lovely as a tree.. <3

   I really want to attract a lot of girls this halloween. So I'm dressing up as a Nutella jar

   What did one Party fish say to the another party fish....."This Carnival is stinking up the sea"

   Oh so you wanna loose weight, by eating healthy........then why your healthy food weighs more than the cheap stuff?

   Poss reasons for weight gain 1) cows switched to fullfat grass 2) pizza's not a veg now 3) my hips are pregnant 4) eat too much*

   Lesson one: Only trust people who like big butts...They cannot lie!

   Now that Snoop Dogg has reinvented himself as Snoop Lion, I would like to congratulate him on his newest reggae hits. You look and sound great in the new Red Stripe commercials, Snoop!!! Hooray Beer!!

   Before Drake started saying YOLO, did ya'll suckas think you could live twice or something??

   I love to put a box of cheerios in the mouth of the loved one that snores everynight