Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I should know better than to swear at the TV. It's the microwave that's listening.

   My parents were very inspirational, they used to say: “You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”

   So walking dead was just a tutorial to survive the Trump presidency.

   The phrase "hooray for our side" was coin by men who watched lady Godiva ride her horse side saddle.

   In the New Year, I resolve to be more resolute in making revolutionary resolutions.

   What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?

   I celebrate Hanukkah instead it's much more chill and we don't have any silly stuff

   They say you never know what you have till you lose it, You promise your girl something you better do it, You can't tell a woman you love her are you stupid, Words don't express you love you got to prove it

   Keep it up and Santa's going to stick a candy caine where the sun don't shine.3 hours ago clear

   Well, well, well, Trump is siding with Putin once again. Lovers in a dangerous time.

   Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?” Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”

   Got fired from my job today for being high at work and also for being, and I quote “Not a real gynaecologist”

   I don't drive a Corvette because I have a small p3nis. I drive a Corvette because I'm a bada$$. I'm sorry you aren't.

   My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no

   Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple twice for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.

   Not sure what kinda jokes get a laugh in here, but wow - haven't seen one with more likes than unlikes in months - tough crowd these days. I guess it's just a sign of the times....

   My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2021. I’m already at $8.32

   If you really believe racism isnt a massive problem, that the oppression of minorities is not a horrific and systemic issue. you R in denial.

   Trump is telling 59,000 Haitians, currently living legally in the United States, to self-deport. Whats even more mind boggling is you people see nothing wrong with that? Why is he on a mission to target blacks???

   I want my 72 hours of my life back that I wasted on Mike Lindell' ridiculous symposium.