Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What if no does mean yes? Just think how many spoons of sugar i've saved.

   the fact that you know what's on the first page, makes you just as sad. Wipe you're eye's mate.

   I tell people my ass is tight because I work out when in actuality it's from all the squatting in the woods.

   If you have little kids and often hire a babysitter, don't plan on doing anything before you check the Justin Bieber concert schedule for your town.

   You know when you rearrange "Mother -In-Law" in any language you still get "Women Hitler!"......Got a PuertoRican-Haitian Hitler to deal with

   (rj) Condom packages should come with warning labels... "caution do not use with alcohol!! may cause feelings of disappointment and utter disgust the morning after"

   I'm not addicted to cigarettes. I can stop smoking any time……… I have no money.

   J - July, Jocks in ski masks, Jason, Jaywalkin chicks on cell phones at Camp Crystal Lakes

   The average person consumes 12 pubic hairs in their fast food every year. Want fries with that?

   i guess "Russell Brand's" upcoming movie will be called "forgetting katy perry"j.G

   Lebron Hairline Don't Respect Him

   first 5 seconds are about the pill. the following 25 are about what could go wrong?? is it me????

   Show me where it hurts and let me kiss it.

   today is National Kindness Day so say something nice y' JACKWAD!

   C'mon babe, just let me put the tip in once or five hundred and sixty seven times! There. Fixed it.

   if we'd had female candidates there'd be a big ol' cat fight right about now!!

   I just got the comment that I do not have any horses in the stable ... so I'll go and buy a pony now.

   I am so funny this flu virus in my body is taking its sweet time to leave.

   Sometimes I like to have a staring contest with my reflection in the mirror. It can go on for hours at a time but always ends in a draw. Well played reflection, well played.

   after watching final destination....if a lighter falls down , i'm like " OMG...NOW THE LIGHTER'S GONNA SET THE ENTIRE HOUSE ON FIRE 'CUZ THE GAS IS LEAKING SUMHOW AND ALL MY EXITS ARE LOCKED !!!!.."....