Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   i hear "this generation never puts down their phones" a lot and i'm pretty sure it's because most of them are filming a cop shoot somebody

   Me: So I told him he could probably get a whole fist up there if he used enough lube. She: Here's your library card ma'am.

   Don't know who's happier, the gay community or the ABA

   In the movie "No Escape". The whites are saved by the Vietnamese. Karma beeyach

   YES!!!!!!!!!!!!.....................................................oh sorry, I was just repeating what I heard last night.

   I will follow anybody that's going to the liquor store.

   Girl, this is gonna be an amazing night *bookcase rotates to reveal wall of wrestling DVDs* Ok, so which WrestleManias have you not seen

   Someone said to me "I can never think of anything important or interesting to say on Facebook." I told them not to worry"

   Fighting between men lasts around 4 to 5 minutes. Fighting between women lasts a lifetime.

   I'm going to have to lose 10 pounds if I want to fit into this coffin I bought.

   This is your brain. This is your brain on drugs. There, now isn't that better?

   Osha should be required to shut the Men's office bathrooms down the Monday and Tuesday after Easter

   He didn't notice it was flat cause they paid him off

   I'm having a make yourself at home party. Make yourself at home.. start cooking, cleaning and do my laundry. . .

   When at a club & a really huge guy smacks your girl’s ass, ask her before she asks you “are you just going to let that guy smack your ass?”

   Have any of you experienced a ringing in your ear that lasts maybe 20 or 30 seconds? Every time it happens to me I keep thinking I'm going to hear "This is Lex Luthor. Only one thing alive with less than four legs can hear this frequency Superman and that

   Today at Walmart, in the only two checkouts open I yelled "Omaha" and my friend and I tackled pass the fat people old people and kids right to the front of the line!

   The winter days I have to open the car doors with crowbar is the best.

   I bet anyone can stalk you if you keep on updating ur status.. Yes I'm talking to you.. Someday, some unknown guy's gonna greet you and said something like, "hey, how's your period goin'? ... Who, me? Oh I saw you on facebook a LOT. So just by a whim I pl

   Breaking News: Governor Scott Walker to announce Omar Suleiman as his vice-governor in Wisconsin.........