Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Keith Emerson is dead from an apparent suicide. I guess he wasn't such a Lucky Man after all.

   IS has executed 100 foreigners trying to quit. Terrorists check in, but they don't check out.

   OMG I just realized I haven't closely looked at the palm of my hand in like maybe 20 years ! Those white thingies are still under the skin all these years !

   first Farrah Fawcett, then Michael Jackson, now Kim Jong Il. all of my bedroom wall poster idols are dead

   Poured down rain last night...I think instead of a fish fry sandwich today, I am going to have worm stew...that counts, right?

   Wow, A Vinny Barbarino, an Helen Keller, and a Whoot there is is statues all at the same time. Who left the computer on at the retirement home.

   bought a bee-bee gun and a bird-cage.

   Anyone gifting snuggies should be immediatley disposed of.

   airing of grievances and the demonstration of feats of strength started TODAY you moron! if you're going to TRY to be funny atleast be accurate! D-BAG

   waiting for the new i-touch-wii

   Some people on this planet are why we don't have a Waffle House on the Moon!

   Snow and cold weather does NOT mean there is no Climate Change. How stupid can people be

   Literally the day after the special investigation and this is found. Count your days Teabillies, back to the trailer parks you go.

   I'm like a mosquito in a nudist camp; I know what to do, but I don’t know where to start

   My milk crates bring all the boys to the yard, and they’re like “somebody call an ambulance!”.

   The New NHL teams name is The Seattle Kraken .... Their fans will be known as Krak heads

   Marriage tip: If your lady wants something with diamonds in it, get her a deck of cards. Follow me for more relationship advice.

   Walmart will be closed on Thanksgiving day so that the self checkers can be with their families

   I fully support the IDGAF+ community.

   OK. Who is the genius who decided to call it an internet girlfriend and not eBae?