Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I bet all the living descendants of the Lanisters have great credit!

   I just threw my clothes away and bought my garbage to the laundry mat

   My dad used to beat me with a camera and I have pictures to prove it.

   i call my wife the buldozer with a broken rearview mirror. she flattens everything in her path and doesn't see it. she used to be a fun-sponge now she is the fun sham-wow now capable of soaking up 4 times the fun

   It's a good thing it's not really like the bees, otherwise men would die shortly after sticking it in.

   People say when I dance, it looks like I'm looking for my keys.

   Like a Spider Monkey Hopped up on Mountain Dew !!!!!

   Remember Emo Phillips, not to be confused with emu..stringy long hair over fugly face? ueah, I think he started the whole look

   had a run in with a pit bull, once they get a hold they jus wont let go until you're just a quivering and screaming like a girl.....the dog was fine, it was the owner who ripped me to shreds defending the breed.

   It's funny how easily accidentally leaving just one vowel out of a status can make you sound like an Indian Chief from the movies. You know what mean?

   The driver in jet dryer #2 truck should be safe, Juan Pablo isn't in a car any more...

   cakes 66p Upside down cakes 99p

   can't stand my broom on the end, becuase my wife won't stop flyin around on it long enough

   This is how guccimane face look (8o>-_-)

   I have paid for this bottle of Vodka, I own that. I still haven't paid my rent for this month, I owe that.

   Our hearts are drunk with a beauty our eyes could never see.

   I'm trying Speed dating, but so far all these women are screaming at me to slow the bus down under 50 mph :(

   Starting tomorrow, every place I visit, I'm going to speak exclusively in double negatives. I'd do it today, but I'm not going nowhere.

   promise, as a very white guy, to never say "Salt 'N Peppa" out loud.

   and why, when I answered the phone, it was a guy on the other line??