Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm not good in relationships.My last relationship ended when I didn't open the car door for her. Instead I just swam up to the surface.

   wished I could teach you.... but you cant teach "awesomeness," so just hang out in the back and watch me work!

   Don't get married, find a woman you hate and buy her a house. It's a lot easier on you.

   born to be a pessimist. My blood type is B Negative.

   I like escalators because an escalator can never break; it can only become stairs. You'll never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience. We apologize that you can still...get up there.

   Joe Biden saw his shadow today. Looks like at least six more weeks of healthcare arguments and accusations.

   thinks that earthquakes might get the wrong impression by us scoring them. Perhaps our invention of the Richter scale has insited them to try harder for a perfect 10!

   I realized 3 VERY deep things today: 1) It's impossible to lick your elbow, 2) No matter how hard you pinch the skin on your elbow, you can't feel it, and 3) You're actually going to try #1and #2!

   It's Groundhog Day. But enough about the school menu.

   just got back from getting breakfast at Sonic. Had to park in the handicapped space cuz it was the only 1...............wait..............why is there a handicapped space at Sonic?!?

   A baby first laughs at the age of four weeks. By that time his eyes focus well enough to see you clearly.

   ..5p from every voodoo doll she sells is going towards the Haitian quake relief. The Gordon Brown one is selling like hotcakes..

   If I could turn back time I'd slap myself silly the moment I was in Home Depot and thought it was a good idea to buy a padded toilet seat. Never...EVER... get up too quickly from a padded toilet seat

   loves playing "who can use the least amount of toilet paper so you don't have to change the roll" game....

   the other night, I caught my girlfriend in bed with another man. I said, "Get off me you two!"

   Baldly going where no man has gone before…

   if you ever feel upset and depressed, just remember, you were once the fastest, most victorious sperm in the bunch.

   **Warning** It turns out Farmville is a virus that will eat your life away. Side effects are all your friends hate you because of your tacky updates & you're getting fatter from sitting online all day playing. Delete it ASAP and stop being a Tool.

   ever notice how Black History Month is the shortest month of the year?

   always keep your words soft and sweet... just in case you have to eat them..