Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   typing in sick so she will not have a status today

   It's been 120 days and guess who is still sober ? Ted Kennedy

   wants a snuggie made out of shamwows

   STATUS, coming to a wall near you!

   reminds you that you will never hear her repeating gossip. So you better be sure to pay attention the first time.

   looking for people to go into the future with me. You'll get paid after we get back; we will be fighting legions upon legions of super intelligent apes. Must bring your own weapons, safety not guaranteed. I have only done this once. Bring bananas!

   a few days ago, started using a new deodorant. The instructions read, "remove cap and push up bottom". Now he can barely walk, but when he breaks wind, the room smells awesome.

   thinks it would be easy for all the asians that are changing their profile pictures for It's "Doppelgänger Week" on Facebook, because they could all just change it to Jackie Chan... God knows they all lookalike..

   just had the worse sex of my life..... opps I forgot you were on my friends list.

   It's "Doppelbanger Week" on Facebook. Change your profile pic to naked pic of yourself and my partner will get back to you with an address.

   ..is working on her bad intentions since the road to Hell is paved with good ones.

   if there s a road less travelled... dont take it. you wont find beer.

   The best part about living in a small town is when I don't know what i'm doing,someone else does.

   I lost my mood ring...I'm not sure how I feel about that...

   I sleep like a baby every night. I wake up every three or four hours

   Its funny how Listen and Silent are spelled with the same letters

   2 more for today Do you want some Hot Lesbein Sex and by Lez sex I mean Tea but it will still be hot

   Meaning of Internet fagget according To urban dictonary last I checked is Someone that acts Tough on internet sites but cant back any thing in real life

   A true Solider is Someone that fights not because He Hates whats infront of HIm but Loves What is behind him

   People are like slinkys Useless Stupid But Fun to Push down Stsirs