Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   So I read the 1st page of Hunger Games... And fell asleep.

   A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush, but none in the stink.

   If little girls were given dolls that drank and wet because they had maternal instincts...how come us guys weren't given blow up dolls for our paternal instincts?

   I was absolutely shocked to hear that Kim Kardashian Is getting divorced. In other breaking news.....We landed on the Moon!!!

   Which came first, the Chicken or the Egg? If you want to know the answer, order both off the menu and see which one comes first.

   The best way to stop a charging bull is to take away his credit card.

   If aliens landed today they would think that our phones are mind control devices that -- hey I just got another text

   I just Love the gym this time of year. The new members make me look like an endurance freak

   At the summit breakfast as Boris left the table he said cherrio to Donald who responded no Honey Bunches of Oats.

   To the below: Spoken like a true blue Christian, eh? You must make God so proud.

   ..i blame my typos on my years as a postwoman. Even today I cant help but miss a letter ot two..

   have to go pick up dino and take him to the casino in reno to pick up nino the bambino gambino and then take care of that phillipeno who spit in the Don's cappaccino

   bell out of order, please knock

   Holy Cow! Michael Vick just scored again!

   You can take all my instruments away for making music, but I will always have my heart that makes the beat. Music is always with you, its what you make of it.

   Just said Hi to a person with an ugly smile. I hope there having a good day???

   ack when I flipped burgers at McD's, the big girls always wanted to date me, said I smelled good.

   whats the second quickest thing in the world? Your butthole closing after letting go of a turd.

   What do you call an elevator with a group of slim, softly spoken, intelligent people inside? A lift

   yes ladies we see you checking us out at the gym too. I know when a girl looks at me and gets a little moist.