Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   *Shows up to crime scene on camel drawn carriage....."O.K.,,Prepare to get,, *lowers shades*,,, humped"

   FYI: It takes a man a week to walk a fortnight,

   Holiday Tip #37: Eat asparagus around the holidays. If you're anything like me, the green combined with the red in the toilet lends itself to a wonderful bathroom holiday ambiance

   Never Choose ur Boyfriend/Girlfriend Over ur Best Friends.

   Tell your g/f "Flip a coin. Heads I get tail; tails I get head."

   I bet Beyonce's ex-boyfriend cries himself to sleep every night regretting the day he cheated on her.

   Sometimes, I just want to sitoutside with someone and talk allnight

   Thanks to Richard Sherman, we have a new word: Thugger.

   If a niqqa slap me on Vine the rest of the fight will continue on YouTube

   if you have painful gas in your stomach, lay on your back and lift your left knee to your chest. You'll fart it right out.

   I finally figured out the answer to that old chicken and the egg

   Note to self: Feed lots of Mayo to the tuna first,,,,,,THEN butcher.

   I see this poor old lady slip over on some wet leafs today. Well I think she was poor, she only had £1.50p in her purse.

   Pro Tip: Men Here's my advice on women: Don't give them nicknames like jumbo or boxcar & always get receipts for stuff you bought. It makes you look like a smart business guy!

   The heavyset woman walked with pace, clutching her purse, seemingly unaware that she was invisible to society. Muggers included.

   2 words..... Fire Flies. you're welcome <3

   May the 4th of July be with you all......

   I hate it when every time I like someone's status, there is always this person named "You" that likes it at the exact same time on the exact same status.

   im not saying I did anythin wrong, but, this is omportant, can you get dna from human poo

   apparently there is a limit to how long you can wait to exhale ♥ rip whitney houston