Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Remember: 'Stressed' is just 'Desserts' spelt backwards.

   Let me lick your wounds with a touch of salt and vinigar.

   i have no friends because everyone is in love with me!

   finds it very retarded when someone knocks then when you ask who it is they say'me'.Like if I knew who it was I wouldn't have asked#SeriouslyNow!!!

   Common scence is knowing the chocolate bar I left in my work truck all day would be a melted mess. Starvation would be eating it anyways.

   Drawback to having really long hair: Just pulled what looks like that thing from The Grudge out of our bathtub drain.

   This girl was talking and she said I cant stand the camera.. It adds ten extra pounds on me.. And I said well you must have ten cameras on you then. JW

   Curmudgeon, Wednesday September 14, 2011 @ 10:41 AM Because Katrina is funny, 6 years later... jackass

   I got 7 Rolls Royces, a indoor and outdoor pool, and a 3 toed sloth that updates my Facebook status

   Having relationship problems? replace the 'ight' in 'fight' with 'uck'. problem solved.

   What do you call a robot that wears sh1t clothes? - Optimus Primark.

   For Thanksgiving, I'm going to a sheep and goat buffet. It's All You Can Bleat.

   Luke Skywalker is barely in the end of the movie and doesn't say a word. it just rolls to the credits.. womp womp

   Head Lines in the News today. Philip Seymour Hoffman died of acute mixed drug intoxication. I am not mocking his death or anything, but no matter how weeds I mix and smoke is not going to kill me. . .

   I don't need pants that fit at the waist anymore. I'm getting a Moo Moo.

   Got hit on by a total fox today! By that, I mean, she did not throw up when I said hi.

   Waiter: Here's your Coke Mr. Brady. Tom: This Coke is *turns to camera* flat.

   She loves me *pluck* She loves me not *pluck* What? This bird only has two wings?

   I wanted thinkstarting a procrastinating club, but

   Or the constipated math teacher. He has to work it out with a pencil.