Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Having relationship problems? replace the 'ight' in 'fight' with 'uck'. problem solved.

   What do you call a robot that wears sh1t clothes? - Optimus Primark.

   For Thanksgiving, I'm going to a sheep and goat buffet. It's All You Can Bleat.

   Luke Skywalker is barely in the end of the movie and doesn't say a word. it just rolls to the credits.. womp womp

   Head Lines in the News today. Philip Seymour Hoffman died of acute mixed drug intoxication. I am not mocking his death or anything, but no matter how weeds I mix and smoke is not going to kill me. . .

   I don't need pants that fit at the waist anymore. I'm getting a Moo Moo.

   Got hit on by a total fox today! By that, I mean, she did not throw up when I said hi.

   Waiter: Here's your Coke Mr. Brady. Tom: This Coke is *turns to camera* flat.

   She loves me *pluck* She loves me not *pluck* What? This bird only has two wings?

   I wanted thinkstarting a procrastinating club, but

   Or the constipated math teacher. He has to work it out with a pencil.

   *Shows up to crime scene on camel drawn carriage....."O.K.,,Prepare to get,, *lowers shades*,,, humped"

   FYI: It takes a man a week to walk a fortnight,

   Holiday Tip #37: Eat asparagus around the holidays. If you're anything like me, the green combined with the red in the toilet lends itself to a wonderful bathroom holiday ambiance

   Never Choose ur Boyfriend/Girlfriend Over ur Best Friends.

   Tell your g/f "Flip a coin. Heads I get tail; tails I get head."

   I bet Beyonce's ex-boyfriend cries himself to sleep every night regretting the day he cheated on her.

   Sometimes, I just want to sitoutside with someone and talk allnight

   Thanks to Richard Sherman, we have a new word: Thugger.

   If a niqqa slap me on Vine the rest of the fight will continue on YouTube