Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   So she said, "I'd like to have dinner again if you would like to." And I said, "Can we do it another time? I'm full."

   "How much do you spend on wine?" Me: about 30 minutes

   Santa Claus is jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.

   The best way to honor a poor soul who got shot by cops is to smash store windows to get your new Flat Screens and new iPhone 12's

   Dear Vatican, Two words: POPRAH WINFREY.....think about it.

   . I'm going to start an exercise class that mixes religion into the experience. I'll call it...Pontius Pilates. (insert Dr. Evil pinky in corner of mouth move here)

   Here is one I bet you don't know. If you say the word "gullible" slow enough, it'll sound like "oranges"

   im going to steal my Brothers mushrooms and eat them so I can grow bigger like Mario!

   Labor day this year has been canceled, because people that are with out jobs have forgotten what it's like to have to go to work.

   arnold schwarzenegger's new movie coming up and its called "Total snow-fall"

   Never bring a spoon to a spork fight ツ

   Remember: 'Stressed' is just 'Desserts' spelt backwards.

   Let me lick your wounds with a touch of salt and vinigar.

   i have no friends because everyone is in love with me!

   finds it very retarded when someone knocks then when you ask who it is they say'me'.Like if I knew who it was I wouldn't have asked#SeriouslyNow!!!

   Common scence is knowing the chocolate bar I left in my work truck all day would be a melted mess. Starvation would be eating it anyways.

   Drawback to having really long hair: Just pulled what looks like that thing from The Grudge out of our bathtub drain.

   This girl was talking and she said I cant stand the camera.. It adds ten extra pounds on me.. And I said well you must have ten cameras on you then. JW

   Curmudgeon, Wednesday September 14, 2011 @ 10:41 AM Because Katrina is funny, 6 years later... jackass

   I got 7 Rolls Royces, a indoor and outdoor pool, and a 3 toed sloth that updates my Facebook status