Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Whether the Heat loose or win tonight, I'm not drinking...... I dont care if you find that funny or not, but the Beer is laughing at me.

   Ass is best when it's kicked.

   The next time the hostess asks you respond "No, not at all, I came to the restaurant to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please."

   I hate it when random people calls me up and asks, "Did I call the right #?" ........"No buddy, you called the Left one!"

   All I ask of Thee, Lord, is to be a drinker and fornicator, an unbeliever and a sodomite and then to die.

   Wake up, wake up, wake up it's the 1st of the month To get up, get up, get up so cash your checks and get up Wakin' up feelin' buzzed off up early mornin' stretchin' I'm yawnin' lightweight bent chugga lugga take a fifth to the dome Instead I kick it wit

   Passover occurs at the same time as Holy Week which leads up to Easter. Them J3WS are always trying to ruin our fun.

   When girls are mad at you, there's a typo in every word 'cuz they texting so fast.

   When I get a girl I'm gonna show her off. Guys who think being sweet to their girl is lame have that childish mindstate.

   I Want some Coke so I can have fun 2night at home

   serve her a large drink with a full banana hidden inside it. If she gulp it in one shoot with no problem I know i'm in for a long night!

   Forget the wall Trump wants us to pay for. WTF is he doing about Nickleback?

   How sad it must be when people have no choice but to believe the nonsense that scientists have devoted their entire lives to deceiving you...

   If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.

   Magic Johnson wasted the best porn star name ever

   You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.

   Decided to burn some calories today, so I set a fat kid on fire (:

   I saw my massivly fat neighbor girl waddling out to her smart car with a few of her hefty friends, I guess the cows were going to a mooooovie or something.

   It's a tie...America 2...Towel He@ds 2

   athiests are awful quite Xmas morning