Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When I get a girl I'm gonna show her off. Guys who think being sweet to their girl is lame have that childish mindstate.

   I Want some Coke so I can have fun 2night at home

   serve her a large drink with a full banana hidden inside it. If she gulp it in one shoot with no problem I know i'm in for a long night!

   Forget the wall Trump wants us to pay for. WTF is he doing about Nickleback?

   How sad it must be when people have no choice but to believe the nonsense that scientists have devoted their entire lives to deceiving you...

   If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.

   Magic Johnson wasted the best porn star name ever

   You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.

   Decided to burn some calories today, so I set a fat kid on fire (:

   I saw my massivly fat neighbor girl waddling out to her smart car with a few of her hefty friends, I guess the cows were going to a mooooovie or something.

   It's a tie...America 2...Towel He@ds 2

   athiests are awful quite Xmas morning

   I'd rather have a sister that's a hooker than have a brother who owns a ford

   Arresting someone for saying the elections are rigged is one thing. Inciting a mob to overthrow an election is another.

   Throwing out a stale donut this morning.... Please respect my privacy at this very difficult time.

   My neighbor man came over visibly shaken. He said he had just slept with his 3rd cousin. I told him, if it upsets you that much quit counting them.

   Here in DC Metro, no one really cares about Groundhog Day. We’ve got rats bigger than that.

   Bucket List #83: I want to meet the guy at Hewlett Packard who decides how many minutes of strange noises their printers make before printing 1 page.

   Nobody loses an election like Trump...nobody. Nobody knows more about it. He's the stable genius of losing over and over again. You wouldn't believe it.

   Bad News, Punxsutawney Phil just predicted 6 more seasons of "Desparate Housewives"."