Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   my girlfriend is driving me round the bend and daughter is sending me up the wall so if anyone needs me look for me on the neighbours roof ;)

   Some Guy told me he had 6 pack abs but there was this thing covering them kinda jelly like. I said its called Fat!

   In Order to get the handsome prince, you have to kiss a lot of toads.

   Has a date with Mr. Hangover today, she wishes her friends would just let her be single and stop trying to play matchmaker!!!!

   I just noticed that all the girls I've ever been with all had one major thing in common.. 10's become 2's on day 2."

   Tom Anderson uses Facebook so I wonder if Mark Zuckerberg uses Google+

   just saw an over-ally fat man enter a smart car, and I could of sworn I heard the engine scream for help!

   the only "kony" I'm supporting is the one that goes in my mouth.

   Studies confirm that caffeine withdrawal (for me) can be fatal (for you).

   Life is a gift ... Unrap it with Zeal !!

   You have to be one thing or the other because if you're always about to be something then you're nothing.

   I think I'm going to end up like Plankton. Marrying my computer.!!

   Happy "Morning After Pill" International Day!

   wondering what you would do for a klondike bar?

   thinks rescue workers are secretly happy when people who don't wear seatbelts are 'thrown clear' from the accident

   ...when the food you like doesn't like you. All these years to acquire a taste for the food I used to hate, now hates me.

   Best part of golf, Getting to wash your balls every hole.

   "It's suddenly hot in here!" "Sorry, Should I leave?!"

   Seventy minus one equals dinner for two.

   it cardio if you put on your swimsuit and have a panic attack?