Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   These replacement refs are so bad that in a taste test between Coke and Pepsi, they picked Sprite.

   I can bench press three times my body weight in dead hooker.

   While others prefer to pop wine bottles and champagne, I just prefer to pop corn.

   How long before the Karoke version of Lady Antebellum's "Need you now" hits bars and taverns. I can just imagine drunks trying to sing it now, "It's a quart... quarter after, uh one, I'm a... I'm a little drunk, and... and I need... you now."

   if Sonic can start their happy hour at 2pm, so can I!!

   believes hunting is totally wrong unless you are hunting cougars.

   GREAT!! now everytime I see someone on tv trying to save someone elses life. all I'm gonna hear in my head is "Staying Alive"

   Hey Weather Channel,,, "Frankenstorm" is the doctor's name...."Frankenstorms Monster" is what Earth is dressing up as for Halloween

   The person below me needs help.

   Hump Day tedium..(Yes, tedium. I don't care about your boring business deal. Unless you won the lottery or Marilyn Monroe came back from the dead to gave you head, your day was tedious.)

   Thought for the day: An HMV gift card is not just for Christmas.... it's for life...

   bulletproof vest on my chest so I can't get shot by cupid

   i know have a epipen, my friend gave it to me as he was dying... It seemed very important to him that I have it

   Nobody ever got their balls stuck in a buttonhole......jus sayin

   "this hurts me more more than it hurts you." I say as I burn my own hand with a lighter in front of my son, unsure what the lesson is.

   if you have already read the books please don't spoil the ending of the world cup

   it was sooo cold last winter that i'm still farting snow flakes in August

   Do you think, Ajay Bhatt, inventor of the USB will be buried twice? The 2nd time because they put him in the wrong way?

   If at first you don't succeed then maybe skydiving isn't your thing.

   All of the Prophets claim One will come to bring the world together In a new age, I am here