Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You know How tornadoes only hit trailer parks hard... I'm guessing these Derechos only hit Home Depots hard.

   I bet the worst part about being single is knowing that even Hitler found someone who loved him

   burger king just launched in S.A. ~ Obama is here just to make sure all the american franchises and wallmart are doing well.

   I also have an awesome recipe for jambalaya,,,,,,, It's actually one of my newest "soup-er powers"..... Drops mic,,,,,, apologizes profusely

   to make it hotter this winter I'm gonna pollute the environment more to help with global warming

   Neighborhood birds start chirping at 4:05am. Knowing justice belongs to those who claim it, you place an alarm in each nest set to 4:04am.

   hoping no kids wish me a happy father's day today.

   This guy just told me that I was anti-social. Or at least that’s what I think he said, I wasn’t paying attention.

   When I'm alone my right hand starts to freak out..Im Sexy And I No It!

   These replacement refs are so bad that in a taste test between Coke and Pepsi, they picked Sprite.

   I can bench press three times my body weight in dead hooker.

   While others prefer to pop wine bottles and champagne, I just prefer to pop corn.

   How long before the Karoke version of Lady Antebellum's "Need you now" hits bars and taverns. I can just imagine drunks trying to sing it now, "It's a quart... quarter after, uh one, I'm a... I'm a little drunk, and... and I need... you now."

   if Sonic can start their happy hour at 2pm, so can I!!

   believes hunting is totally wrong unless you are hunting cougars.

   GREAT!! now everytime I see someone on tv trying to save someone elses life. all I'm gonna hear in my head is "Staying Alive"

   Hey Weather Channel,,, "Frankenstorm" is the doctor's name...."Frankenstorms Monster" is what Earth is dressing up as for Halloween

   The person below me needs help.

   Hump Day tedium..(Yes, tedium. I don't care about your boring business deal. Unless you won the lottery or Marilyn Monroe came back from the dead to gave you head, your day was tedious.)

   Thought for the day: An HMV gift card is not just for Christmas.... it's for life...