Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   47% of the country misses Obama's speech due to winter storm. Somehow I don't think he cares.

   Just heard two fat b*** tches fighting over a seat on the bus. one 60yrs, standing the other with kids sitting down. It wasnt annoying until I realized they was both fighting and screamin at each other for the section with the handicap seat! Thx Obamacare

   I find it ironic that Tom Brady looked so deflated after the loss to the Broncos.

   Sweet Caroline..bah..bah...bah Good times never seemed so good..so good , so good..

   I want a girl who's a Kanye West in the streets and a Kanye West in the sheets. - Kanye West

   I'm so sick of this nonsense, where my blankets hang off of my bed like a messy sandwich.

   I'm so glad I just downloaded my iDon'tcare7, at least now I can't be disappointed like all the apple users.

   Reality is for people who don't eat bacon!!'

   Ever have a dream you just want to write down so you can turn it into a movie? An island with dinosaurs, and a T-Rex. A T-REX!!!!!

   An oversized kitten blessed me with a gigantic ballsack

   " Lady, Have you tried texting him 22 more times?" You probably are a pain in the a-ss stalker!

   Just got this text message, not sure if it's spam:"Congratulations! You have won A £50 of shopping vouchers or a night at an Elvis Presley tribute act. To claim your prize, press 1 for the money, 2 for the show..."

   I may have been born at night, but I wasnt born LAST night...

   I am a dandy in the ghetto with a snow white smile

   I got so frustrated watching my wife play Kinect sports earlier that I smashed the controller against the wall.

   i dont drink. I dont do drugs. I dont even drink coffee. I do pills so its way different.

   nothing screams sellout more than being an adult in Taylor Swift's band...

   I hate when I'm scrolling through Facebook the first thing in the morning and accidentally run up on the three headed baby.. Eww

   When a tornado touches down in Oklahoma, they issue a PDS Broadcast. PDS must mean 'Pretty Damn Scary'

   What did the traffic light say to the car? Don't look i'm changing