Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Before call waiting booty calls must have been very frustrating.

   Starting a 'like' petition.....who would prefer Cheez Its would use the 'immature' cheese

   I got my Do-si-dos. Sad thing is I'm about to eat the whole box, I'll be mad at myself later...........

   Dad: son make your bed. Son: thats like tying my shoes after I take them off.

   asked by an employee for a raise...so I gave him a baby-booster seat

   I wanted to make a girl experience multiple climaxes, so I made her watch the last half hour of 'Star Wars Episode III.'

   the rumours you hear about me are all lies....i made them up so you wouldnt find out the true juicey stuff ive been upto :-P

   will be back after these short messages from our sponsor.

   If I seem disinterested it's only because I'm a terrible actor.

   Stop 2nd guessing yourself! No seriously you should be 7th guessing yourself instead.

   Hey would any of you would like to marry me for a minute? Better yet can all of you marry me? I wanna see if I can have multiple wifes on FB...

   When your hands are tied, backs against the wall & swept off your feet all at once it clearly means you're a hostage.

   Is there an Elf Yourself type eCard service for condolences?

   every time I hear that jolly fat guy with the red suit and reindeer belt out his familiar "Hoe Hoe Hoe"....I cannot help looking around for my ex girlfriend

   Vanessa Bryant files for divorce... I wonder if Kobe asked her if she would do his own version of the triangle offense?

   Decided this year I'm replacing the milk and cookies tradition with manly reach around. Just to see if that would get SANTA'S attention.

   So apparently when you get pulled over around Christmas and the cop asks "Do you know why I pulled you over sir" The incorrect answer is "You know how important of a person I am and you figured this would be the only chance you would get to wish me a Merr

   I failed.Again.Like any normal loser would.

   What do you get if you cross the Queen and Prince Phillip?

   why buy a 6-pack when you can buy a 12-pack, why buy a 12-pack when you can buy a 24-pack.... screw it, I'm gettin a handle of jack