Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   How good was last night? Last night was so good, I actually tried to order a vodka tonic at Jimmy John's Subs...If only you would've seen the cashier's face

   I must have catnip in my pants tonight because all the pussie is trying to get in them.

   Touch it gently, put 2 fingers inside, if it's wide, use 3 fingers, make sure it's wet and rub up and down.....Yup! That's how you wash a cup.

   Prvo me upoznaj pa mi onda sudi, a ne po tome što pričaju ljudi ! :)

   “Hey, smell this.” -Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.

   the real farther of Michael Jacksons children.

   I planned to graduate Camping School but I failed Tent Grade.

   The Irish River Dance was started by a family that had 11 kids but only 1 bathroom.

   If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.

   The waitress at Bob Evans asked if I was done with that, I said yes but I'm married to it.

   After all the complaints, Facebook finally decided to make a "dislike" button. April fools. We're still stuck with only the "like" button.

   Life is too short so don't dance with fat girls

   Taco Bell is the only place where you can still get gas for $1.39.

   I'm pissed...I signed up on Facebook almost a year ago and have not received a single phone call.

   This is an "A" and "B" conversation, so "C" your way out before "D" jumps over "E" and "F"s you up like a "G".

   The Beatles suck!

   Love has 4 letters, but so does Hate ; Friends has 7 letter, but so does Enemies; Truth has 5 letters, but so does Lying

   was denied adoption of a baby boy from Malawi =(

   I'll be baby sitting this Valentine's Day $150 per kid. (inbox me)

   My wife asked me with loving eyes, "What did I do to deserve you?" I responded, "I'm guessing something horrible in a past life!"