Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Halloween ,the only time peados get home dilevary!!

   Last year for Halloween me and my mate were meant to go trick or treating as a pair of breasts. He didn't turn up and I went by myself. I looked like a right tit.

   Did you know that the toothbrush was invented in Alabama???? If it were invented anywhere else they would have named it the teethbrush....

   I saw a status that said, "Facebook changes colours if you press 'Ctrl W'. Damn that was funny.. and it really Worked, TRY IT !!!

   Harrassment: A mint flavored pill that a female injects into her rectum to freshen it.

   just pressed her refresh button, but still feels dirty.

   One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Clause, "Please send me a little sister to play with." Santa Clause wrote him back, "Sure, send me your mom and wait about 9 months."

   Aaron Hernandez, goes into jail a tight end, comes out a wide receiver

   The only reason my heart appears cold and black is because I have my real heart locked in an indestrucible black heart shaped box and cryogenically frozen to prevent further damage.

   I just scrolled sooo far back on Facebook's Timeline... I wound up back over on MySpace.

   Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.

   I'm worried less about who is vaccinated or not than I do about people wearing DEODORANT !

   Whenever I leave a restaurant, I always stop by a random table and say, “Thank you for taking care of our check.”

   Bomb Blast in Boston. Next day.. Earthquake in Pakistan. 1-1

   If I live to be 100, I'm going to make up some fake reason why, just to mess with people... like claim I ate a pinecone every single day.

   When you sleep naked after jerking off without washing up...make sure you don't put your thumb in your mouth.

   I have the heart of a child. It's in a jar of formaldehyde in my basement.

   I wonder why a lot of women are walking funny today?

   Legend says that if you can't sleep it's because you are awake in somebody else's dream. So if you all could please stop dreaming about me I'd appreciate it.

   We all knew the first woman president would have to crawl through hell to get there. This is just what hell looks like.