Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The only reason my heart appears cold and black is because I have my real heart locked in an indestrucible black heart shaped box and cryogenically frozen to prevent further damage.

   I just scrolled sooo far back on Facebook's Timeline... I wound up back over on MySpace.

   Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.

   I'm worried less about who is vaccinated or not than I do about people wearing DEODORANT !

   Whenever I leave a restaurant, I always stop by a random table and say, “Thank you for taking care of our check.”

   Bomb Blast in Boston. Next day.. Earthquake in Pakistan. 1-1

   If I live to be 100, I'm going to make up some fake reason why, just to mess with people... like claim I ate a pinecone every single day.

   When you sleep naked after jerking off without washing up...make sure you don't put your thumb in your mouth.

   We all knew the first woman president would have to crawl through hell to get there. This is just what hell looks like.

   If you were born in september. There a good chance your parents started the new year with a bang.

   I have the heart of a child. It's in a jar of formaldehyde in my basement.

   I wonder why a lot of women are walking funny today?

   Legend says that if you can't sleep it's because you are awake in somebody else's dream. So if you all could please stop dreaming about me I'd appreciate it.

   True southerners, don't put a ' in yall

   F*ck what you heard, f*ck the b!tch you heard it from, f*ck what you think, and f*ck what you saw, and recognize what the f*ck you see.

   ↖↖↖↖↖↖↖↑↗↗↗ ↗↗ ↗ ←← Fake people everywhere→→ ↙↙↙↙↙↙↙↓↘↘↘ ↘ ↘ ↘

   I'm not playboy, I'm stick to one... its just happen that many girls outside are playgirls and I'm one of their victims...

   8) A crowded elevator smells completely different to short people.

   BREAKING NEWS: Mubarak to remain in office, "I will step down when the Cleveland Cavaliers win a game." More details coming soon.......

   During love making she said "deeper" so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.