Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The best thing about wanting a chameleon as a pet is that you may already have one.

   (╮°-°)╮┳━┳ " make me a Sandwich!" .. Girlfriend : ( -.-) "HELL NO!" ..... (╯°□°)╯ ┻━┻ "THE HELL YOU SAY ?"

   says a cannibal is someone who goes to a resturant and orders the waiter!!

   I don't need anger management. I need for people to stop pissing me off.

   If a man puts a vibrator to his ear he’ll hear how he’s not good in bed.

   Brooklyn signs openly gay Collins to NBA contract. Maybe he'll play in Fish(Nets)!

   Cop: Do you know how fast you were going, ma'am? Me: Do these jeans make me look fat? Cop: You're free to go.

   In Isl-am women grow men’s babies and men obsession is, will they be given houries -gazelle-eyed (woman)- in the end?

   With you, may the fourth be — Yoda

   I love how sharks swim around with their fins out like they want high fives, but then they're like, Screw you! ...and they eat your face off.

   Just gonna stand there and watch me burn? Thats alrite because I ♥ the way it hurts; Just gonna stand there and watch me cry? Thats ok because I ♥ the way you lie...

   When I was seven, I told my friend Timmy Barker I would give him a million dollars if he would eat an earthworm. He ate the worm, but I never gave him the million dollars. As of last week, all I had given him was $9,840.

   the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law

   You mean lies like "I never met Stormy Daniel's in my life"?

   You know how much delusion we live in this world when you see Binyamin Netanyahu shoulder to shoulder with world leaders in a march for "freedom and tolerance"

   I can't find my phone,,, I must be on Malaysia Airplain mode

   Liking Your Own Status Is Like High Fiving Yourself..

   America...... All the gear and no idea!! How does it feel to know everyone hates you. :)

   Common sense is not a gift, it's a punishment. Because you have to deal with everyone who doesn't have it.

   Never once in my life have I ever met a dentist in a social situation randomly somewhere outside of a dentist’s office. Think about it.