Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Where were these 22 year old female teachers back when I was in high school?

   thinks webbed feet are a huge turn-on.

   [my first day as a 911 dispatcher] *eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy

   santa just touched my no no spot. :(

   As we get older, The closer you are to the toilet, the harder it is to hold it in.

   I thought she asked if I was interested in an orgy... Turns out she really said "4G." My apologies to the lady at the Verizon kiosk.

   If I was a spider, I'd build my webs on a starving African child's face. Hello, all-u-can-eat fly buffet!

   Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up

   The best thing about wanting a chameleon as a pet is that you may already have one.

   (╮°-°)╮┳━┳ " make me a Sandwich!" .. Girlfriend : ( -.-) "HELL NO!" ..... (╯°□°)╯ ┻━┻ "THE HELL YOU SAY ?"

   says a cannibal is someone who goes to a resturant and orders the waiter!!

   I don't need anger management. I need for people to stop pissing me off.

   If a man puts a vibrator to his ear he’ll hear how he’s not good in bed.

   Brooklyn signs openly gay Collins to NBA contract. Maybe he'll play in Fish(Nets)!

   Cop: Do you know how fast you were going, ma'am? Me: Do these jeans make me look fat? Cop: You're free to go.

   In Isl-am women grow men’s babies and men obsession is, will they be given houries -gazelle-eyed (woman)- in the end?

   With you, may the fourth be — Yoda

   I love how sharks swim around with their fins out like they want high fives, but then they're like, Screw you! ...and they eat your face off.

   Just gonna stand there and watch me burn? Thats alrite because I ♥ the way it hurts; Just gonna stand there and watch me cry? Thats ok because I ♥ the way you lie...

   When I was seven, I told my friend Timmy Barker I would give him a million dollars if he would eat an earthworm. He ate the worm, but I never gave him the million dollars. As of last week, all I had given him was $9,840.