Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Obama should use enhanced interrogation techniques on Newt to find out where the secret "bring the price of gas down to $2.50/gallon" lever is.

   What did the firefighter at Paul Walker's crime scene say first " Well Ladies & Gentlemen, Mr. Walker is still one of the hottest guys in Hollywood "

   "Eyes" and you don't have to use a giraffe picture!

   Texts that piss me off: 1. Yeah 2. Oh 3. Yup 4. Lol 5. Haha 6. K 7. Nope 8. Chillin 9. Naw

   It's a dog eat dog world. And I'm wearing Milkbone underwear...

   People who live in Orlando that go to Disney World are more ret@rded than New Yorkers who visit the Statue Of Liberty.

   Half way to my mom's place for Mother's Day,,, only have about 3 more feet of digging.

   wondering when Hallmark will make a greeting card for the Single men for there Holiday you Know PALM SUNDAY !!

   Bingo! I love that game, but I can't remember what to say when you win.

   I bought a dog and named him Stay. Poor thing gets confused when I call him "Come here,Stay!" "Come here,Stay!"

   disobeyed orders

   keeping his hands clapping and his pecker in his pants...

   George Steinbrenner to be buried in Florida ... his family wants him as far from baseball as possible!

   BRB, I gotta go "rescue some miners", if ya know what I mean. hope they can swim...

   has the heat turned up to 80 (heat included in rent)

   I get so confused when I see a seagull not near the sea like buddy where do you think you’re going

   The only reason I can unfasten a bra with two fingers is because my mom let me practice on her until I was twenty three.

   Letters start with A-B-C. Numbers start with 1-2-3. Music starts with Do-Re-Mi. And love starts with You-And-Me

   … remember when you were a kid and would run thru the sprinklers at your uncles house - and he'd dry you off with his big strong arms and tender kisses ?

   My neighbors girlfriend across the street is blowin Leaves...He's the Mexican that lives kiddy corner from me.