Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Bingo! I love that game, but I can't remember what to say when you win.

   I bought a dog and named him Stay. Poor thing gets confused when I call him "Come here,Stay!" "Come here,Stay!"

   disobeyed orders

   keeping his hands clapping and his pecker in his pants...

   George Steinbrenner to be buried in Florida ... his family wants him as far from baseball as possible!

   BRB, I gotta go "rescue some miners", if ya know what I mean. hope they can swim...

   has the heat turned up to 80 (heat included in rent)

   I get so confused when I see a seagull not near the sea like buddy where do you think you’re going

   The only reason I can unfasten a bra with two fingers is because my mom let me practice on her until I was twenty three.

   Letters start with A-B-C. Numbers start with 1-2-3. Music starts with Do-Re-Mi. And love starts with You-And-Me

   … remember when you were a kid and would run thru the sprinklers at your uncles house - and he'd dry you off with his big strong arms and tender kisses ?

   My neighbors girlfriend across the street is blowin Leaves...He's the Mexican that lives kiddy corner from me.

   Today's relationships, you can touch each other but not each others phones

   Sometimes I wonder if things are getting worse or just more obvious.

   There is a special place in Hell for those that just go down the list dis-lyking evrything

   Lifeguards are sad to report the drowning of a hippie last night. ... He was too far out, man.

   It appears that Donald Trump got vaccinated. Now I have no choice to get it too, because I don't want my God, Trump, to be angry at me.

   The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.

   My least favorite color was pink, now it's orange.

   Superman wears glasses, everyone thinks he’s a different person. I wear glasses people say: “Hey, why are you wearing glasses?”