Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Today is thanksgiving day tomorrow is toilet blow out day!!!

   The cashier at the grocery store asked if I wanted a paper or plastic bag. I said plastic. She goes, "You must have a pretty girlfriend."

   I wish Facebook would notify me when people deleted me, that way I could like it...

   Me, as a kid: This is stupid, we should get the whole week off. Me, as a parent: Why do the schools close on the day AFTER Thanksgiving too?

   it a bad thing that Siri does not recognize my voice unless I have food in my mouth?

   Did anyone in their wildest dreams even imagine that Donald and Mickey would run America one day!? Walt Disney would be proud of this!

   The expression "don;t leave me hanging here" was coined by Jesus of Nazareth on this day over 2000 years ago.

   Trump invite the Russian national basketball team to the White House. Yeah, nothing's more American than a Russian team, lol

   Glad to see Halloween is coming and I could finally get rid of some of these fast food condiments.

   Trump’s more of a basketball guy. Can’t get enough of the Spurs.

   Why did cave men drag women around by their hair? Cuz if they dragged them by their feet they would feel up with sand.

   To further prove that Wal Mart is low class, I let a smelly one rip in one of the grocery aisles. Folks came a running thinking the store had set up a food sample stand. Unrelated, never trust a fart.

   I'm a grown ass man. I don't play childish games. School was over for me a long time ago. Be honest, be true or be gone.

   Battered women sounds taste, but it's just a bad idea.

   I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle

   It wasn't my fault I got drunk!!! I was thirsty ;) x

   Theres nothing hotter than when guys stare at my cleavage while I pretend to be offe ded

   I park in handicapped spaces and watch handicapped people pulling handicapped faces.

   This just in. The following have been arrested for selling counterfeit pizza. Papa John-Hungry Howie-Little Caesar-Cici-Domino-and Chuck E. Cheese. Tear gas was used to bring them out of their hiding place...Pizza Hut.

   I keep the city's best, never said she was the brightest. So if you had her too it don't affect me in the slightest. I never met a bi*ch that didn't need a little guidance so I dismiss her past until she dissappoints your highness.