Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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If you took this pill and died, please call the retard lawgroup at 1-800-dead-duh 
today is an agorophobic pedophiles wet dream
I want to rap with Dr. Dre, I want to smoke with Snoop Dogg, and I want to burn a house with Eminem.
a single chest hair doesn't mean you're grown. if you have to write how manly you are, you're not manly
Women are never happy are they? I make her bacon and eggs in bed and all she can say is, "Get that f-kin cooker back downstairs now!"
Family that smokes together is called a JOINT Family
Would be a good day to golf but the old trick knee is acting up from the injuries I sustained in my college years as a star quarterback.
My solar powered car coasted to a stop. "What luck!" I spat. The sun had just set. In Vampireville. - (excerpt from my e-book.)
Taking my lunch break in a near by park would be a little less complicated if I didn't forget the fact that I have a mustache this month.
Stupid vending machine took my money because the bag of chips didn't drop! I starting pounding the glass as hard as I could then I looked up and saw a surveillance camera and walked away slowly out the break room.... >_<
Did you hear about the Nascar driver who turned to boxing....he ran around the ring 300 times then knocked the guy out
While Lebron is playing for the East, his mom was riding the West.
I will always refer to # as a "number sign"or "pound sign".. Not a "Hashtag" The last time I remeber a hashtag. it was being handed to de left hand side
Soooo basically "twitter" is basically Myspace 2.0?!
any computer someone may have used to purchase you a gift. Tip 2: If you purchase gifts online, DELETE YOUR BROWSING HISTORY. That concludes today's lesson and tips.
A salesman hugs a girl. GIRL: What the hell is this? SALESMAN: It is direct marketing. GIRL: *slaps him* SALESMAN: What was that? GIRL: A customer's feedback!
boys want to loose deir virginity as soon as posible,girls want to loose it as late as posible. Woman want to get married as soon as posible wereas man want to get married as late as posible
Admit it, your heart skips a beat when you see the 'number' on the globe icon whenever you login to FB ;o)
Thought I had perfect eyesight then I saw my wife
i hear bieber is expecting a kid...i wonder when justin's due date is 