Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I swear that the restaurant I just left has a barber shop in the kitchen. Hair in food is better than saliva...no send backs.

   Google Facts: It's a common prank in Japan to shove your fingers into someones ass. It's called Kancho!

   Screw you guys who say you like crazy but when you meet true crazy you back off.

   Turn the time release off on my morphine drip so I know your love is real.

   that was good I walked into walmart and walkout pissed off and a headache in under 2 mins. is it wrong to want to flip off the golden girl at the front door when she says have a nice day

   I mowed my own lawn today and my amigo, Jorge, Won't speak to me now...

   It is good to be regular people, at least no one will know when you have affair.

   If you don't get a text or email for 10 minutes you restart your phone because its probably frozen, right?

   Have you ever broiled a turkey for Thanksgiving? It's not bad if you don't mind your turkey a little rare. Okay, very rare but....

   Nothing says regret like the email address you made as a kid.

   I feel dirty every time I click on a page and get an "internal server error." I feel like I should have been wearing protection.

   Nothing irritates me more as when I step on some melted snow with a fresh, dry and clean pair of socks on.

   I’ll bet you all the money in my savings account that I’m broke.

   The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

   says If we have a World Kidney Day, I suppose we should also introduce a World Liver Day

   Because the brilliant automakers in Detroit decided to put the dimmer switch on the turn signal and call it a “smart stick”....and THAT’S how I managed to get my foot stuck in the steering wheel..and I am sticking with that story until photographs s

   Why does the pope get to resign with a mere 2 weeks of notice, while I have to give my employer 30 whole days?:|

   Say no to drugs and anyone who ask you if you talk to objects

   "Because all men - honey, I tell you aaaallllll men - are created equal." -Hair. And I think some other historical document. But mostly Hair.

   To trumpet players died this past weekend......Guessing God is assembling the Trumpets for Rapture this Friday.....