Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Have you ever broiled a turkey for Thanksgiving? It's not bad if you don't mind your turkey a little rare. Okay, very rare but....

   Nothing says regret like the email address you made as a kid.

   I feel dirty every time I click on a page and get an "internal server error." I feel like I should have been wearing protection.

   Nothing irritates me more as when I step on some melted snow with a fresh, dry and clean pair of socks on.

   I’ll bet you all the money in my savings account that I’m broke.

   The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

   says If we have a World Kidney Day, I suppose we should also introduce a World Liver Day

   Because the brilliant automakers in Detroit decided to put the dimmer switch on the turn signal and call it a “smart stick”....and THAT’S how I managed to get my foot stuck in the steering wheel..and I am sticking with that story until photographs s

   Why does the pope get to resign with a mere 2 weeks of notice, while I have to give my employer 30 whole days?:|

   Say no to drugs and anyone who ask you if you talk to objects

   "Because all men - honey, I tell you aaaallllll men - are created equal." -Hair. And I think some other historical document. But mostly Hair.

   To trumpet players died this past weekend......Guessing God is assembling the Trumpets for Rapture this Friday.....

   The girl at Mcdonald asked me what I'm "talkmbout" <------Ghetto word of today!

   People get FAKE, when ish gets REAL.

   Sorry I just woke up from a coma,,, and OH MAYA GOD,,, They got the date wrong

   If you're in a committed relationship and you have no intentions of marrying that person, then you're wasting both of our time.

   If you ever want to know what it sounds like three feet up a cow's azz just listen to lovers talk.

   You bought an iPhone5C? Why no iPhone5A?

   1 boom n the whole nation becomes god fearing, elected official praises... Big gots

   Me: why did you stop me? Cop: for starters you're not wearing a seatbelt. Me: what about main course? Cop: step out of the car.