Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Move heathen! Get out of my way! Move heathen! Get out of my way! - me driving down the highway in the morning

   Marriage tip #5: Every once in a while, call your wife by one of your ex-girlfriend's names. This will help her realize that she is not the only woman on the docket, and that you're a really good catch!

   Cable Company Rep: Okay, sir. You ordered the premium cable service, land line phone, and high speed internet. Would you like our WiFi too? Me: Oh, no. No way. Absolutely not! Cable Company Rep: Sir, I said our WiFi not our wife.

   Just watched a dog sucking on a pacifier as Twinkle Twinkle Little Star played and dont know how to feel.

   I like the POTUS. Then again. Anything that has pot in I like.

   I was on the phone with Frigidaire service. I called from work. The girl insisted she needed the serial #. She was snippy. I said, "Count Chocula 666."

   My wife is mad at me because I dropped a channel in protest of the NFL. Oh I’m keeping red zone I dropped QVC

   Where can I go to find FBI Director Comey? Tune in this week to find out from media News!

   NEWS FLASH If you bomb your home and kill all the roaches that live there .... in the roach world you are considered a terrorist.

   What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays.

   where are all the supporters that say bye bye obamacare? ctfu yall quiet

   An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure so wear a mask. Benjamin Franklin,

   Where will be your higher power if you could travel around in space?...

   thinking about 2012 and what the changes could be that the Mayans predicted. Studying a crop circles and the Sumerian creation text that seemingly Christianity borrowed. So many fascinating things to think about.

   likes the Hide button so much that he is now working on one for the laundry.

   ■I'm going to protect my statuses on Christmas this year so Santa can't “know when I'm not sleeping or know when I'm awake.” Take that!

   Sometimes wishes he was deaf, so all her nagging would look like a funny dance!

   I like Jay Sean's music. He's like Chris Brown, sans the beatings.

   If you can remain calm, you don't have all the facts.

   You know Law & Order is taking over the world when you see "SUV" in a headline and wonder what idiot missed a typo.