Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I knew it was over the moment I accidentally hit you with my car, then backed over you five more times and drove away.

   Writers block I can deal

   I am all for recycling but not when it comes to lovers.

   I never delete messages just incase someone try to play me and say I'm ugly. You wasn't saying that March 12,2010 at 4:35pm.hahahahahaa

   When I see a drink written “non-alcoholic”, it makes me feel very violent.

   I try to make things last by saving them for a while, which bring me to this moment. It will be bittersweet, I can tell you that. I'm going to enjoy this, but it will also make me sad. I'm about to have my last Easter Egg.

   Some people are like a surprise package. You never know what you are gonna get with them.

   it illegal to make a right turn into the right lane these days??

   A speed bump but made out of my ex.

   Don't forget to put zero effort into everything then complain how you never get anything you want today!

   there's a method to my madness.. just a madman with no method..

   Stop telling people you got that scar in a bar fight when you know darn well it's from being circumcised.

   Who knew Justin Bieber was old enough to have an expired license? Also, he blew .014 caused by too many gummi bears.

   Demarryus thomass

   holy harvin batman

   I was watching a tutorial on youtube about how to sleep but it was so boring that I fell asleep

   I hit "<BACK" one too many times on the Red Box machine. Now it wants to know if I want my selections on VHS or BETAMAX.

   I wish I was funny

   We have matching problems. Must be fate.

   If walking to car on a frozen driveway was in the olympics I would take the gold. So graceful when I almost fall down.